12 Subtle Signs of Sibling Bullying or Abuse

We don’t talk enough about sibling bullying and abuse. The only person in a family willing to talk about it—the target—has been trained from a young age to keep quiet. By the abuser, who doesn’t want to be exposed. And by the parents, who think it’s typical, harmless, and/or embarrassing.

My Experience With Sibling Bullying and Abuse

I come from your classic 1970s middle class family. Dad worked, mom stayed at home, and nobody was an addict. We socialized with our neighbors, took a few road trips every year, and always had food and clothing. From the outside, we looked perfectly fine. But if anyone had been paying attention, they would have seen some subtle signs of sibling bullying and abuse.

Around our parents and extended family, my sister (six years older) was radiant and adored. Away from them, she bandied criticism, humiliation, and manipulation about like cards in a game of 52 Pickup. Sometimes she got physical. My parents knew she was aggressive. Now I wonder if they thought me fighting her would build my character.

I Didn’t Tell Anyone About My Sibling’s Abuse

I never spoke of her abuses until she went to college. She seemed too powerful. When I finally told someone, my parents thought it was over and done with. But we’re in our fifties, my parents are elderly, and we’re all dealing with the fallout today. The way everyone relates to each other was born of the dynamic my parents thought was too funny or embarrassing to correct.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

Eleanor Roosevelt

I don’t want other families to be like us. So I put together this list of subtle cues that your family (or one you know) might be experiencing sibling abuse. I’m no doctor, therapist or expert or any kind, so this list isn’t proof. But if anyone had been paying attention, they might have seen these things in my family as signs of something more sinister. And maybe we all could have gotten the help we needed.

12 Subtle Signs of Sibling Bullying or Abuse

1. Shyness. If one child is very shy and another is more spirited, it may not be personality. My shyness was treated like a disease I had to cure. Nobody thought to check for environmental causes, like constant humiliation.
2. Strategic Silence. Is one child much quieter when another one is around? Maybe it’s not because the other child is so charming. Maybe the quiet one just wants to avoid being a target.
3. Situational Shyness. I always had plenty of friends, but barely spoke up at family functions. If a child you know is shy in some environments but not in others, someone from the quiet environment might be bullying or abusing them.
4. Meanness. My sister could be scathing about celebrities, her friends and her enemies. It was often mistaken for wit, as people laughed along with her. When it’s biting, look deeper.
5. Managing Up. If one child seems to get along with adults but has hot conflicts with their friends, that child might be bullying someone. Bullies often know how to appease authority figures, but have conflict among their peers.
6. Domination. If one child gets all the attention at family functions, you may not have a “performer” and an “introvert.” You might have an evil monarch and a terrified subject.
7. Lack of Closeness. Healthy siblings may fight, but they also show tenderness. In sibling bully situations, that warmth is absent. They rarely or never hug comfortably, speak kindly to each other, or play gently together.
8. Slightly Subpar Grades. Unlike bad grades that clearly demonstrate a problem, students who don’t live up to their potential might be victims of sibling bullying. They don’t want to excel beyond the bully lest they be punished for it. I sensed something like that myself.
9. Odd Questions. I asked my parents and grandparents sexual questions that were well beyond my age at the time. They just thought I was weird and didn’t seem to wonder who planted those questions. 
10. Odd Behavior. When I behaved inappropriately with a younger family friend, nobody wondered why I did what I thought was perfectly normal. I was just scolded and we didn’t hang out with them as a family anymore. 
11. Soft Neglect. Sometimes neglect happens when parents engage one child more than the others. At family holidays, my sister always commanded everyone’s attention while I went off with friends and cousins. When everyone was together, I was invisible.
12. Parental Criticism. If one child is subject to more criticism or negative perception from a parent than the other children, that child might be in a family bullying situation.

What To Do If You Suspect Sibling Abuse

If you suspect sibling bullying or abuse in a family you know, don’t rush to tell the parents. They might be part of the problem. Often parents create and/or aid an abusive dynamic. 

Instead, try to spend time alone with the child you think might be bullied/abused. Work to gain their trust and become a confidant. Don’t just enjoy the company of the outgoing kid. The awkward one might be their victim.

As a kid, I never told any adults about what my sister did. I thought adults already knew everything that was happening and they didn’t mind. It wasn’t that I “deserved” it, as so many victims think. I just thought I didn’t matter enough for anyone to care.

Maybe if I believed I mattered to someone, I’d have spoken up sooner. Maybe some kid is waiting for a sign from you that they do.

Feature photo by Josh Willink