10 Signs You’re Healing from Trauma (or “Getting Over It”)

Everyone has some kind of trauma. Something we experienced that exceeded our ability to cope at the time. Or, even if we coped well, something very difficult that challenged us in ways we never could have anticipated.

Sometimes, long after other people think we should have processed that trauma, we still struggle with its aftermath. This can be frustrating for people who want us to be healthy, composed, and “normal”. They want us to tell us “how to get over it”, but those same people often can’t tolerate what we require to get over it. 

My Trauma? Sibling Abuse.

My most impactful trauma happened throughout my childhood and beyond. I was violated by a sibling from toddlerhood onward (carrying into today). I told my parents what happened when I was a pre-teen. They couldn’t exactly remove my sibling abuser from my life, which complicated my recovery. 

Thereafter, every rare mention of my abuse was met with demands for me to “get past it.” Like talking about it every three years meant I was a basket case.

But I don’t think being “over it” means never speaking of it. Traumas stick to us for life like bitchy little parasites. They form and invade us, leaving behind a lifelong process of recovery. It shrinks, but it never dies.

Children don’t get traumatized because they are hurt. They get traumatized because they’re alone with the hurt.

Dr. Gabor Mate

Ten Signs You’re Healing from Trauma

Still, some conditions demonstrate the growth. It’s not someone observers get to decide, but for traumatized people to see themselves.

1. You’re Accepting. Accepting how it impacted you without obsessing or hoping you can change the experience or the people involved. 
2. You’re Introspective. You don’t try to understand or demean your abuser/s, the experience, or others involved. You only try to understand and improve yourself.
3. You Don’t Demonize. You don’t see scapegoats, villains, or victims, but understand the complex nature of all humans.
4. You’re Your Own Person. You don’t make decisions based on how someone else might respond or judge you. You become your moral/ethical guide. 
5. You Feel Safe. Once you create your own sense of personal safety, you can maintain protective boundaries no matter what others do. 
6. You Feel Balanced. Your life is manageable with less drama, fewer mood swings, and more stable relationships. 
7. You Redefine Yourself. Not as a victim of something, but as creator of something new. You move forward evolved, with new insight and wisdom.
8. You Engage The World. You “put yourself out there”, even in environments that mimic the one in which you were traumatized.
9. You’re Assertive. You’re less inclined to people-please or tolerate poor behavior. But you also aren’t aggressive without severe provocation.
10. You Love Yourself. You embrace the positive aspects of your life story, like how it made you stronger, far more than the negative.

Recovery is different for everyone, and not linear. Rolling with that reality is part of what recovery means.

What “Getting Over It” Doesn’t Mean

Observers have their ideas, but you don’t have to adopt them. Including mine. But here are six things that might mean you seem like you’re over it, but you might have more work to do.

1. Never Speaking Of It. Talking openly about it is one of the most rewarding things you can do. But if 20% of conversations lead with ancient trauma, you might be limiting your recovery or using it as a crutch.
2. Never Being Upset About It. There will be moments where you’ll break down because of the trauma. But those should be increasingly rare as you evolve.
3. Absolute Forgiveness. Forgiveness with boundaries is the most resilient option. Forgiveness without empowering limits might mean you haven’t learned enough from your experience.
4. “Going No Contact”. On social media, people proudly proclaim they’ve, “Gone NC.” But that might be proof that your new boundaries are too rigid. If you can’t  protect yourself without demonizing someone else, you probably have more work to do.
5. Keeping Up Appearances. If you seem fine in front of others for the sake of others, but fall apart when you’re alone, that’s not healing. That’s performing. 
6. All Roads Lead to Trauma. Even now, I can struggle with this. When something goes wrong, it’s easy to blame the history. But recovery means understanding that sometimes “shit happens” and it’s not related.

Bottom line? Other people don’t get to decide when you’re “over it”. You do. But hopefully this list will help you recover from your trauma in a way that feels powerful, peaceful, and balanced.

When you catch yourself (or someone else) leaning too hard on their trauma crutch, focus on creating better experiences today, not trying to reframe today through that stinky old trauma lens.

Feature Photo by Monstera Production